Scoliosis Strong
I can be hard on myself. And I mean really hard. Especially when it comes to being physically active. I’m the type of curvy girl that dismisses my disability. Yes. Yes, I finally said it. Disability. I incorrectly lump myself into the group of able-bodied people. Partially because I can move all my limbs and I have full cognitive ability (or at least I think I do). By ignoring my needs I completely dismiss my ever-present reality. I have limitations that are unique and distinct. As much as I hate to admit it, I know my lung capacity is compromised. It just is.
I remember going for a run with my sister and she made a comment about my breathing. I was breathing too hard and too shallow. The truth is my right lung can’t expand to the same extent in the same way as someone who doesn’t have a thoracic curve. By dismissing this truth, I’m selling myself short. I in fact, discredit the magnificence of my own body by forcing it to do something that it clearly is like “please stop. I mean we can, but please, please, please. Stop.” I took my sister’s loving feedback and I do work on my breathing. I am very aware of my inhales and my exhales when I run. I work to keep them balanced and steady. And the gift is, because of my condition, I try to treat my body well. I try hard. I insist on being better. I will not submit to feeling “less than” because of my condition. I. Am. Strong.
From dismissing to accepting
I do yoga a lot. Because I’m that kind of crazy that can’t just casually pick up a new habit. I have to go 100 at it. I have to do it every damn day. So I do yoga. Nearly every morning. And I’m not good. I mean, not Instagram good. But that’s not what matters. I do yoga because my body likes it. It makes me feel good! It makes me feel strong! It makes me feel stable! And when I’m class, I see people who can touch their toes and straighten their legs. And I don’t compare myself to them. I focus on how proud of myself I am for being in that room. For dedicating myself to my practice. For saying “yes” to me. Because I can’t compare myself to anyone else. If I did, I would have to give myself more credit for pushing myself to attain a level of equality with another person that isn’t sharing my limitations, and that’s just arrogant. And they likely have their own challenges. And it’s none of my business. My business is to take care of me. So that is why I work on my practice. It gives me the opportunity to get in touch with my body and myself. To compare me with me. And that is what yoga is about. Awareness. Acknowledgment. Acceptance.
So I’m strong. Now what?
I don’t like the idea of referring to a limitation or an obstacle as a disability. But, for where I am right now, it’s important that I face this, so I can begin to listen to the needs of a body like mine. So, now is the time for healing.
I do have scoliosis and I also get really really tired sometimes. I’ve done quite a bit of lifestyle changing for my body, my spirit and my mind and I’ve taken a lot of steps forward. And I’m still tired, but not as tired. I have work to do and I do believe I can attain and sustain a healing state for my body. I believe healing is a journey, and I really like where this journey is taking me. For now, I’m really enjoying getting to know me. There’s only one right?
Now I’d like to hear your thoughts. How do you give yourself the gift of acceptance? What are some of the things that you love about yourself?
p.s. In all of this talk about limitations, I didn’t bring up my fusion. I’ll talk about fusion acceptance in a future post. #scoliosisstronger
