When I went through scoliosis surgery, it was very matter-of-fact. There was a plan, and there were steps in the plan, and we executed these steps one at a time. And when it was done, it was done. Or so I naively believed. As I got older, I found it harder and harder to talk about my surgery and my scoliosis. And even lied at times when people would ask me about the large scar on my side (that I often forgot about) when I wore a bathing suit. “Whoa! What happened???” They would ask. I didn’t like this kind of attention. I didn’t want this kind of attention. There were times I would tear up talking about my spinal fusion. And I never stopped to think about why I was getting emotional. After being in therapy I realize there is a reason for my feelings about my surgery. Trauma. It was a traumatic experience.
How I felt going through the scoliosis diagnosis through treatment
- Like I didn’t have a choice
- That my opinion didn’t matter (because no one was asking)
- That scoliosis was a bad thing
My epiphany
After my surgery, my post-op appointments revealed that my upper curve that was not fused continued to “sway like a branch in the wind”, as my surgeon put it. It would progress, then self-correct, then progress again. They said we could operate on it, and asked me what I wanted to do. FINALLY! I get a say!! And I said “no”. I felt POWERFUL. Having a say on my body was something I didn’t know I needed until that moment.
The truth
- My body is a blessing and a gift
- My body was given to me
- I am the authority over when and how it is treated. Professional input is taken as consultation and is up for consideration.
If I could do it all again I would:
- Journal after every doctor’s appointment
- Create a safe place to talk about my feelings, both good and bad. And to cry the un-wept tears that didn’t make their way out during my appointments
- Find a role model. Someone who had gone through the procedure and could be a soul friend through the process
- Exercise gratitude
